wonderfulworldofwawnie

2010-04-09T08:38:00.000-07:00

what if i am that?

2010-01-11T09:53:00.001-08:00

i have not much to offer you, not near what you deserve,

but still i come because your cross,

has placed in me my worth.

I know i'm weak, i know i'm unworthy,

to call upon Your name.

but because of grace, because of your mercy,

i stand here unashamed.

Your grace extends to call me friend :)

2010-01-08T11:57:00.001-08:00

nothing left

2009-12-27T12:42:00.000-08:00

After so much had happened, i started thinking. For the past few weeks, i had been wishing that things had never happened, that the pain would just go away. Or that i could just go back in time. But then again, another thought came in, if all these didn't happen, so much wouldn't have been learnt! If all these didn't happen, i would still have been in the same state i had been before that.

And through this, i saw how God was truly my guide, my teacher, and my Father. That despite how upset i was, He showed me little miracles to cheer me up. Like holding the rain back til i got home, despite me throwing tantrums at Him wanting to walk the long route home. And that despite how much i hated to be disciplined, He did so, so that i would grow and learn even more.

I still remember how my prayers always had that phrase "Lord, please teach me...", and i guess asking for that would mean that i should have been prepared. Because God does teach and discipline. Just like how a Father disciplines his son out of love.

And honestly, i don't think i've fully recovered from everything. Especially emotionally. But what Ps Michael preached during camp, about the Spirit and the Soul, i guess i should apply it here. About how we should anchor our walk with Christ in the Spirit, and not the Soul. Hence, emotions wouldn't matter anymore.

God taught me how to confront myself and my emotions. To be honest to both myself and the people around me. To approach matters realistically, and with the help of "wise counsellors", instead of just doing things on my own. No longer do i hide in the "i am fine" mode, but yes, confronting the "i am not fine" mode, with the other thought that says "but with God, i can walk through this dark valley".

God is just so good. It is only natural to whine, complain, throw tantrums and keep asking why everything was just so messed up. But God taught me how to see things in the bigger picture, to see how He had plans for me through these situations, and through the mistakes i made. Everything was already planned. And it was necessary for me to go through these "trials" so that He could teach me His ways and reveal to me His rhema word.

And i don't care what people are going to say now, how much rumours have been spread. Because there are things that we need to move on with. And i choose to move on.

I'm just so excited about how God's going to use me. So excited to see that great miraculous things He is going to do. So excited for the life ahead with that closer relationship with God.

We were talking about mission trips over dinner just now, and it really stirred up that excitement and anticipation in my heart. To be able to work towards the dreams that God had for me. Ahh! I 'm so excited! I can't wait to bless the people! I can't wait to use photography as a tool to bring people to God! I can't wait to just take photos of the people there, of the culture, of the things that God is going to do!!

And strange enough, just as i was typing this: No more boring Singapore.

A thought came into my mind, that God is a God of creativity. He designed boring Earth into a planet that contains life! And He designed them so intricately that it goes all the way down to atoms and molecules and electrons etc! How awesome is that. So how can Singapore be boring! I guess i just need to ask God for His creativity. And Singapore wouldn't have to be portrayed as a boring place! I mean if God has placed me here first, i should be faithful in this, and not complain about where i want to be and stuff. I guess God wants me to prepare for the time ahead. And i haven't been doing so, because i kept having this preconceived thought that i would only take photos of people overseas etc, like the people at Kawah Ijen.

And yes, i definitely need to have a lot more preparation before next year's missions trip. Probably more practise with the people around, the environment, and probably also borrowing books, going for courses, getting help from more proffessional photographers. :D I'm so excited!

O God please keep my enthusiasm there. I may not be excited over the months, but keep my enthusiasm and passion and faithfulness there.

God is truly an awesome God. :D His mercies are new every morning.

"and as for me and my household, we shall serve the Lord"

2009-12-17T07:08:00.000-08:00

God is truly amazing. The way He answers your prayers. The way He shows you that He had been listening. The way He reveals and illuminates truth to us.

Camp was just amazing. God taught me how selfish i had been, and how it was never about me but about people. It doesn't matter anymore about how i feel, because i am placed here to impact the lives around me. God is capable enough to meet my needs and He knows what to do for me, so on my part, i need to shift my focus from myself to others.

Simple things like treating people rightly, and being sensitive enough to know how they feel.

I know that i have my flaws, but i'll try my best.

It's not about me anymore, but about others.

And the only way that this can happen, is when God's love overflows from my insides. And i thank God that during this camp, He filled with with an overflowing amount of love. A love that far surpasses anything else. I would give nothing in exchange! It is just priceless.

O Lord, i just love you so much! You're so awesome and amazing. And it's crazy when we just think about how much u love us.

2009-12-13T08:15:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry, but it isn't right.

My God has something better in store for me.

And i'd want the best rather than just the good.

Thank God for an eye-opener.

2009-12-12T11:04:00.000-08:00

O Lord. What do u want to teach me now.

Everything's so muddy.

Everyone else makes it sound so easy.

I need you Jesus.

2009-12-11T11:42:00.000-08:00

Honestly, don't know what to do, or how to feel anymore.

I just need Jesus to show me the way. To take me away from this.

Why is it so hard.

2009-12-09T09:35:00.000-08:00

Psalm 51: 17 " The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise"

It's so hard to stay away. Every minute, every second, every moment.

The more you distant yourself, the more you feel upset because you see the distance.

And your mind begins to play tricks on you.

Like seriously, a lot of tricks.

but whatever it is, it's worth it. It's pointless to hold on to something that's not as worth it.

Philippians 3:8 "Yes, furthermore, i count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish, in order that i may win Christ."

Yes, God is so worth it. I'm not psycho-ing myself or whatsoever. But it's the truth. He's so worth it.

Just need to get over with this. Stop thinking. Stop thinking.

2009-12-05T09:43:00.000-08:00

Don't know how its going to work.

Don't know how its going to end.

Don't know what to do about it.

Don't know anything..

need divine help. need a sign.

2009-12-03T08:46:00.001-08:00

Argh.. so much stuff going on.

Lord. all i want is just to fix my eyes on you, and your will for me.

2009-12-02T10:47:00.001-08:00

Just needing you more than ever.

All i need is you.

2009-12-02T00:19:00.000-08:00

The Lord has promised good to me

His word my hope secures

He will my shield and portion be

as long as life endures

My chains are gone

I've been set free

My God, my Savior has ransomed me

And like a flood His mercy rains

Unending love,

Amazing grace

Sometimes, trials come to you over and over again, not because you're weak, but because God is strong. He wants you to overcome the areas in life. He wants to show you how perfect is His strength amidst your weakness. He wants to demonstrate how you CAN overcome with Christ.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me ~ Philippians 4:13

God has never intended you to be an average person, His perfect will for you is to be more than a conqueror. Isn't God just amazing? We need to hang on, keep hanging on. No matter what comes in the way, we will hang on. No matter what giants come, we shall be that stone wall that stands firm. We shall be unshakeable.

In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us ~ Romans 8:37

2009-12-01T23:18:00.000-08:00

God is just awesome, when you fix your eyes on Him, and do what He wants you to do, He equips you.

With God's grace i have finally out how to play Chopin's Fantasie impromptu in C sharp minor. The horrid 16 beats on the right hand and triplets on the left. But God finally opened my eyes to help me know how to fit these beats together. FINALLY!!!! Wooohoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-12-01T08:19:00.000-08:00

Help me..

it's the same trap over and over again.

i cant take it....................... i dont want to go thru it.

just want to run away and hide.

but i cant................

i cant.......

its so messy...

everything's so messy...

my mind's in a mess..

my heart's in a mess..

why....

i thought the trial was over...

i thought i had succeeded..

but it wasnt about the situation..

it was about the inside.

2009-11-30T23:14:00.000-08:00

The hand that holds the world, is holding mine.

Lord, you have placed me in trials that i've often avoided. But i know that you want me to overcome them rather than to just hide from it or shove it one side.

I love you Jesus.

2009-11-30T06:49:00.000-08:00

Lord you are more precious than silver,

Lord you are more costly than gold,

Lord you are more beautiful than diamonds,

and Nothing i desire, compares to you.

Thank you Lord for such a wonderful time of worship today. Indeed, better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere. I'd rather be your doorkeeper in your house than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

2009-11-29T09:23:00.001-08:00

God has His ways of cheering us up. Really. I love Him so much.

2009-11-28T10:40:00.001-08:00

Taste of my own medicine?

hmm.

More like a trial and shaking that is tough.

But i know God will bring me through.

The Lord is my refuge, my comfort and shelter.

He is my provider, my portion.

2009-11-17T13:29:00.001-08:00

Was listening to La Campanella from Liszt, and decided to go research a bit on it.

Religious influence

From his earliest years, Liszt expressed a deep devotion to the Almighty and desired to enter the priesthood rather than pursue a career in music. He once wrote his mother, "You know, dearest mother, how during the years of my youth, I dreamed myself incessantly into the world of the saints. Nothing seemed to me so self-evident as heaven, nothing so true and so rich in blessedness as the goodness and compassion of God."

Though his lifestyle often belied his religious convictions, he nonetheless continued to espouse religious ideals in the most profound manner, especially as they pertained to music. Once writing to a friend, he stated, "I have taken a serious stand as a religious, Catholic composer. Among the composers I know, none has a more intense and deeper feeling for religious music than your humble servant." He possessed a fervent belief that as a musician he was in the position to connect others to God through his art, once stating, "The church composer is also a preacher and priest and where words cannot suffice to convey the feeling, music gives them wings and transfigures them." This is not unlike Martin Luther's assertion that, "Music is a gift and largesse of God…. Praise through the word and music is a sermon in sound."

I mean, despite him being a Catholic, his ministry was really to draw people closer to God through his music. Inspiring huh? Never knew that old composers would think this way too :)

2009-11-17T11:21:00.000-08:00

Lord i'm going to hang on no matter what comes my way.

2009-11-12T00:57:00.000-08:00

And forever i will sing,

How you gave your life away,

just to save me,

Lord you save me.

2009-11-11T22:47:00.000-08:00

Surreality, i must say.

All i can give is a raised eyebrow.

I choose to give it up and hang on to what's most worth.

2009-11-10T08:32:00.000-08:00

I think i've been really selfish. I mean, throughout the entire time, i've been asking the few questions in my mind: "Why is he/she doing this to me?" "Why is it so weird?" "Why does everyone misintepret this?".

And yet i've failed to realise that it was never about me. God sent me to be the salt and light of the world. He wants me to rise above all these questions about behaviours and see people as how God sees them. He placed me in wherever i am right now to be that salt and light to them, not to be added trouble! No one is perfect, everyone's still a work in progress.

It was never about me, it has always been about them.

2009-11-08T10:33:00.000-08:00

You give and take away,

you give and take away,

my heart will choose to say

Lord blessed be your name.

Today i finally understood what it meant to give God my all. He showed me how he would strip me of my securities and my comforts, so that all i have to offer him is that broken and contrite heart, holding on to my tiny dreams in my hands which are uplifted to Him. And from there, He'll take it and mould it into something great.

It's just so hard to let go of so many things. But these are the things like what Sheila shared with me, that God sieves out via shaking. It's definitely painful. Super painful. But worth it.

God asked me a question just now. He asked me which was more worth it: the stuff that i kept holding on to, or the dreams he gave me. And i honestly took a while to contemplate. Because both were appealing. my eyes were opened. The only thing that was worth and satisfactory was to live a life that glorified God! Not a life of satisfying own needs, because God would do that when you seek Him first. And ya, images flashed across my mind. Images of how life would be if all these things i held on to were gone. It was a painful thing to think about. But when God showed me the things that He would do through me if i had let all these go, i felt that sense of comfort coming back. A sense of overwhelming, what can i say, joy.

When God said seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and that all these things would be added onto you, He didn't exclude emotions and feelings!

O Lord help me to stick by you. That nothing else is as worth it as you! No setback, no heartbreak, no earthly desires, no emotion, can change the fact that you are so worthy.

2009-10-29T11:49:00.000-07:00

The week had been 0_0, but God has been faithful.

2009-10-19T08:28:00.001-07:00

Wanting to travel the world, to the places with the untouchables. Taking photos, impacting lives.

2009-10-04T11:14:00.000-07:00

i praise you Lord, that with every trial that i am in, you provide a way through it.

I give you praise for You deserve it.

It's pointless to think of useless things, but to really fix my eyes on the goal ahead and run without looking back.

Dreams dreams dreams. So many things to do! Why waste time on distractions!

You can do it Dawn! :D

2009-10-04T09:54:00.000-07:00

So many things that really distract. And it happens so many times in the same way.

But this time my heart says NO, because all i need is the love of Christ. :D

His love satisfies me, He is all that I'll ever need.

2009-10-03T12:39:00.000-07:00

i read this in my one of my old QT posts (27/9/09).

[John 10:14]

"When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice".

God goes ahead of us to survey the land, and where he goes, we follow.

Where is God leading you to? Why are you afraid of moving on?

God has already gone ahead of you and knows what's best for you. And when He calls you to come,GO!!! Because God wants to lead you to even better pastures. Not just a place where you can rest in,but a place where you are BEST in. A place where your God-given dreams and visions can be fulfilled. All you need to do is to hear His voice.

When the sheep know the shepherd's voice, they not only know it, but because they trust the character of the shepherd, knowing that the shepherd can only bring good to them, that they follow.

Trust in the Lord, and KNOW that He is God.

2009-10-03T11:41:00.001-07:00

The only thing i can say:

God is so good.

Believe me! He is GOOD.

2009-09-30T11:50:00.001-07:00

Even amidst all that battle and waging of war, I'm glad to have been an impact to someone's life :)

When you ask God to use you as a vessel, He will use you, whether you know it or not.

2009-09-29T12:58:00.000-07:00

Found this:

[Luke 24:13 - 26]

¹³Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven milesfrom Jerusalem. ¹⁴They were talking with each other about everything that had happened. ¹⁵As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; ¹⁶but they were kept from recognizing him.

¹⁷He asked them, "What are you discussing together as you walk along?"

They stood still, their faces downcast. ¹⁸One of them, named Cleopas, asked him, "Are you only a visitor to Jerusalem and do not know the things that have happened there in these days?"

¹⁹"What things?" he asked.

"About Jesus of Nazareth," they replied. "He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people. ²⁰The chief priests and our rulers handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified him; ²¹but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place. ²²In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning ²³but didn't find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive. ²⁴Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but him they did not see."

²⁵He said to them, "How foolish you are, and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken! ²⁶Did not the Christ^{b]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[b]} have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?" ²⁷And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself."

The men who were walking to the village met with Jesus, but they were too caught up with what had just happened, they were depressed and upset, and all they could think about was the crucifixion of Christ. For such a long time, they did not realise that their Saviour was with them.

Sometimes we're like that too. Many a time we are so uptight with our problems, our situations. It might not just be something that happened in the physical, but maybe spiritually we may feel so down and we keep asking God why. But just as we are too blinded by the things around us, we forget that God is still holding on to us, that the Holy Spirit is still living in us and that Jesus is walking with us. I mean, the Lord our God being right there and we didn't know!

The amazing thing about the verse above is that despite the men being kept from seeing who Jesus was, Jesus revealed to them rhema words from scriptures and even explained to them the scriptures from the time of Moses. I mean how cool is that?? To have our very own Jesus to speak to us personally and explaining all those confusing parts of the scriptures!!

I guess sometimes in our own walk with Christ, in times like this when we're blinded, God opens our ears to His Word and scriptures. We may forget that He is there with us, but He is still graceful enough to speak to us so that through His word, He may pick us up.

I guess maybe there are times in our lives that we think God isn't there for us, and that we may feel overwhelmed by our problems, that all we can think of is what had happened and why it happened and just dwell in it. But because God, being faithful and loving, reveals to us many truths during this period of trial and temptation, helping us up from the pits. And when we finally look back to that situation again,we can truly see that God was with us.

Probably just an encouragement to those who feel like they can't seem to find God in their situations. I mean, i know that many of us can say that we do believe that He is there. But even in times where we feel so dry and jaded, God will still reveal to us new truths! If we actually bother to listen.

I mean, if the two men didn't stop and listen to Jesus, they wouldn't have known so much truth from the scriptures. Maybe what we need is that resting place? That place where we come before God just to listen to Him and His voice.

Okay, i think my post is all over the place. Very incoherent. And filled with grammatical errors.

But i think that God really has a great sense of humour -

"Are you only a visitor to Jerusalem and do not know the things that have happened there in these days?"

¹⁹"What things?" he (Jesus) asked". haha. I dunno, but i found this quite amusing. I mean the two men were so upset and Jesus just played along for that moment and said "what things?". It's quite cool huh. Our very own God having a great sense of humour and fun :D And after He listened to whatever the two men had to say, He finally shared with them about the scriptures.

Wow, i guess its just like us too huh? For all the times that we whine and complain or get depressed and cry to God, He first asks (maybe for eg) "What happened?", and after we finished like our entire speech, He speaks His heart to us. ahhh, the more i type the more i'm in love with God. I mean, He listens first to us, for us to let our whatever we need, before He gives us constructive advice and pulls us up into His arms. I guess after we finish our whining, it's our turn to listen. I mean what's the use of just complaining and not wanting to do anything about it?? And the worst part is that the advice that God is going to give is something that cannot be found anywhere else! and yet many a times we just walk away from the conversation.

I'm glad God showed me this today.

Thank you Lord Jesus. I just love you so so so so much!

2009-09-29T03:42:00.000-07:00

When you decide to take a new step forward, things happen. Really. When you say that you want to serve God even more and bring His light wherever you go, things happen. And while things happen as a consequence of your actions, things also happen to prevent you from your actions.

And thus a horrible lab session yesterday :p with an addition of a few shouting at for no apparent reason. :D

But James 1:1 says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

and i know this verse has appeared in my blog numerous times :D but the Word of God really never returns void no matter how many times you see it. :D

2009-09-25T21:37:00.001-07:00

Seriously, not interested :)

have always been thinking, what would Jesus do if he met up with this same situation?

2009-09-25T10:50:00.000-07:00

God is a God who proves His point. Like really well.

It all started when I wanted something so badly. I did things my way, thinking that it was God helping me. But now i'm back to square one. With nothing to hold on to. Knowing that only God's way is the best.

And thank God for putting joy in lives whenever there is a lack of it.

2009-09-24T11:16:00.000-07:00

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

When i first heard about the history of this song, i was moved to tears. John newton. Slave driver became a slave rescuer. Then i thought about my life, and how God has picked me up from a wretched state and brought me to where i was. Indeed i was once lost, to the world. That includes the time when i was already found but still chose to be lost. And despite all that, God still found me. He would never let me go. I was once blind to the same issue, but after the million-eth time God rescued me, I finally see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

His grace taught my heart to fear and with his grace my fears too were relieved. He exchanged my fears of the darkness into the fear of the Lord which would bring about wisdom. Because His grace is sufficient for me, and when I admit that His grace is sufficient, His power is made perfect in my weakness. Because we choose to humble ourselves and take up the cross, because we choose to say that God is all we need, and because we choose to say that we are nothing, God's power is made perfect, and He uses us, the nobodies to do great and mighty things. How precious it is that grace appeared the hour i first believed.

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

How many times i've failed in many areas. How many times i repeat the same mistakes. How many times i choose to get trapped in the same areas. But the Lord rescues me. My chains are gone. He sets me free. Because my Lord Jesus died for me, I am free and redeemed. His mercy is never ending, His love is always coming. Isn't He amazing?

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The Lord has promised good to me, He says in His word that all things work together for the good of those who love Him. He says in His word that His ways are higher than our ways. His word is where i find refuge, where my heart seeks hope from, where i can know that there is someone who understands and someone who loves me for who i am. Knowing that there is someone who is filled with so much grace and mercy that no one else can give. and knowing that my Lord and my God who is all those, is still my very own best friend. He will be my shield, that i will not be afraid of the pestilence at night, nor will any weapon form against me prosper. He shall be my portion.

I know after all that writing of previous posts, people may think that i'm bipolar or something. But no one can understand. Even the closest ones among you whom you feel can understand makes you feel that they can't. My heart is filled with angst. Because of disappointments, and because of how for months i've been in that same place. I thought i was out. And just when i'm going to take my step out, i fall back in. And this time, new things are there to pester. All i can say is that i'm disappointed at how people may see it the wrong way. It makes me feel like backing away from people.

But Lord, i know i have no right to be angry. For i have not been who you wanted me to be. Who am I to be angry with others when I have not been who you wanted me to be. O Lord, i'm just feeling so trapped. I wish I could just pour everything out here, but I can't. People are watching. Then why am i still writing it here? I don't know! Argh Lord, people make me feel frightened suddenly. Lord please help me to overcome the emotional side of me. Not to be indifferent, but to be an overcomer: despite having bad emotions, that i'll choose to say that i'll serve and love your people, whoever they may be and whatever they may think or say about me and to me.

Lord for so long i have been so affected by what people think about me. And Lord, i'm sick and tired of it. Like what we learnt today in MLM, it has really been a hindrance. Simple things such as choosing worship songs for cell group, I'll change the songs immediately when i hear a comment that makes me feel insecure about it. Lord, and many times i know that i change the songs even though i know that you want me to lead those songs.

and again, i don't know why i am writing all these here. shouldn't i be writing all these in like a book or something else? Maybe this method is easier, don't need to go through the hassle of saving, or writing etc.

The Lord has promised good to me. Lord help me trust that you would. Because of who you are. Not because of what I am, but because of your loving character and your faithfulness. Help me trust that whatever happens now is a trial that would bring me up to a new level. Like how you tested Job and how he understood that when he is being tested, he shall come forth as gold. How much more worth is that then compared to the rock that has not been refined?

I know typing all these may seem weird, showing people how vulnerable i am. But i don't care. I don't care how people are going to think of me after this, and what they are going to say. I shall not entertain it. All i know is that God has spoken to me, God has reaffirmed me and God has (in such a weird way) encouraged me and reminded me of how good He is through the writing of this post.

My chains are gone, i have indeed been set free.

Help me not to feel angry. Help me to love people even more. Not because I want them to think highly of me. But because you first loved me. Lord take away that annoyance and irritation in my heart and exchange it with your love that surpasses any conditions, that i may love unconditionally. Because you first loved me unconditionally.

Lord, it's never about me, it's about you.

It's never about them, it's about you. And because it's about you, it's about them.

Whoever reads this, please do not ask me what happened or talk to me about it at all. Not to even say a word about it. I wish to keep all the emotions and everything that i felt right here in this post and at this time, that when i go to sleep and wake up the next day, i would be alright. Please do not comment or post anything here either. Thank you so much for your co-operation. I would really appreciate it.

2009-09-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

Movements are obliged. Argh. needing to squeeze through that little hole that is left due to the overcrowding. need to breathe. need to put thoughts that no one would see nor judge.

2009-09-23T23:25:00.000-07:00

Please don't get the wrong idea. :)

2009-09-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

Feeling trapped.

What? So quick?

2009-09-18T19:57:00.001-07:00

Have been talking so much about everything that i wasn't cautious that i might have not been saying nice things about people again. I kept thinking that i was being amidst such menace and such mess amongst people, as though i was some high up person. But i was wronged.

There's that little voice that tells me why have i become like this. I feel that sorrow within me, the sorrow that tells me how much these people too need love. I realised how selfish and self-centered i've been the whole time. How i've only considered how i was feeling, and not how these people, despite being in their own world, are feeling lost. And who else except us to show them love? Who else except us to treat them as people and not walking trees? Who else?

Lord i pray you'll forgive me. I haven't been who you wanted me to be. I haven't been nice to the people you wanted me to impact. I haven't been talking nicely about them. And i know that everytime i say whatsoever, your tear sheds for them. Lord, you have placed me in their lives for a reason. I pray that that purpose will continue to remain in me and motivate me. That it'll be something driven by you, to save the lost. O Lord, cleanse my mouth. How can both salt and spring water come out from the same place! Lord, i choose to speak words of edification and purity, rather than word that pull people down and words that gossip. Lord help me.

Teach me how to love your people unconditionally.

2009-09-18T10:35:00.000-07:00

You know, when they say people carry the presence of God, i was quite uncertain about it. I thought that what it meant to carry the presence, was to have people manifest around you when you walk past them, or flowers growing on every single step you take, or people being healed from their sickness instantly etc.

It was only after I entered uni that i realised. To carry the presence of God wasnt just all that dramatic events that would happen, but the fact that we become people who are attractive. Not attractive in the wrong sense, but attracting people from everywhere, because they feel that we have that something that makes them want to be around us.

I have personally met these few people. And even me being a Christian, was being attracted to these people as well! It wasn't because they were bubbly or had outgoing characters, but they had the unexplainable presence of God that was with them wherever they went. It made me think, do i attract people in that sense too?

Now i finally understand the meaning of being the salt and light of the world. It isn't just being good testimonies, or being loving and all, because everyone else can do that when they force themselves to do so. It is about God's unexplainable and yet tangible presence being with us, that emerges us so much so that we overflow with His love and His joy and His strength that we can pour out to the people around us as well. And that's how they always want to come.

When our hearts are right with God, seeing the things He sees, and loving people as He loves, we will begin to notice how we turn into that salt and the light that this world needs.

*Ps. I lost all my links and all my tagboards and all :( How do i retrieve them back!!

2009-09-12T11:26:00.001-07:00

God is truly amazing. Despite all our unfaithfulness, He still shows and reveals Himself to us. He's someone that i would never dare to let go off. And someone who would too never let me go, because of love. And where else can u find a love, a love that sacrificed to the extent of a life. indeed like what Aiken shared with us just now, that what we feel is truly unexplainable, and that it should remain like that. Not attributing any of what belongs to God to the works of man or machines.

Thank you God for still using me, and never letting me go.

2009-08-09T10:59:00.001-07:00

Have been blogging too much recently. But i guess it's a good way to just let out some steam and get your mind straight again.

Sometimes what you see can really affect you a lot. What you see may stir up a whole lot of emotions. And recently they haven't been nice. Please don't pry :)

Maybe i've been focusing on the wrong thing too much. But it's just too overwhelming. Thought i had gotten over it, but it just keeps coming back. Coming and going like a passing shower. And that's what i hate. Can't it just stay sunny all the way?

I'm glad school's starting soon. Then i'll have less to think about.

Argh. But this period was for me to build up myself so that i may step into new places with a stronger foundation. Is that working? I think i lost too much focus. Lord is it you who has placed me in these trials?

James 1:1-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Help me O Lord to keep on track with you.

Help me to uphold my covenant.

2009-08-08T08:39:00.001-07:00

Despite overcoming battles and obstacles, more come right in the face.

Thank God for people who bother to hear your most retarded whines and complains, your cries and your wails, your unreasonability and your rude lashings.

Thank God for friends.

2009-08-07T09:58:00.000-07:00

Was just blog surfing, reading about people and their lives. How can people have so much fun, so much more experience in life, so much more opportunities to things? The only reason for me not to be the same is that i spend most of my time serving God. Then i thought about it, what would my life be like if i had not known God.

I know this post sounds super spiritual. But honestly thinking, i would really have been somewhere else, my life direction would have changed, the way i am now wouldn't be the way i would have been, my character would have been different, my moods would have been crazy. And yet all that just for the fun of life?

I figured that all these were not worth it. Honestly, i am often envious of people having wonderful relationships, having so much time to spend with each other etc. I always ask God why doesn't He allow me to get into one yet. But each time i question, the song comes into my mind:

When I am alone,

Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,

You can have all these world,

just give me Jesus.

And i thought, Jesus is SO worth giving up everything, He's so worth every single part of my life. I mean, if Jesus wasn't worth it, why would anyone make such a song like that? And if Jesus wasn't worth it, why would the people cling on so tightly to Him? He's too worthy that I'd rather give up the world than to give Jesus up.

What tugs at my heart now is so much of worldly things. Everytime I turn away from it, it'll come back at me from a different direction. It's so hard, and each time i cry out to God and ask for help. More often, i question about His plans for me. I know i'm just being impatient, and i guess that's why I hardly hear answers from God. I can just imagine God shaking His head in His fatherly way, and telling me to calm down and wait.

Argh. I hate to wait. But then God says those who wait on Him shall renew their strength. Is that why things have been slightly tiring nowadays? Is it because i have not waited on Him for quite some time? I need to wait. I need to be patient.

I guess the heart deceives. It desires over the wrong things at the wrong time, even when God says wait first. O Lord help me to wait and not awaken the wrong desires at the wrong time. It just seems so hard. And situations that occur, occur all the time, just in different forms. It's like temptation island wherever i go. O Lord help me. And the worst thing is that what you can only offer is not your viewpoint or opinion or angered lashing of speech, but just a subtle smile saying that all is well. But i guess God has great things for me in my life, and His plans are definitely to prosper me and not harm me. And that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I mean, there are just so many things that need more attention other than my selfish desires of the heart. The salvation of my grandpa. The salvation of my friends. The salvation of my sickly teacher. There are just so many things that should hold priority in my heart. Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added onto you.

I know i sound like some schizophrenic or bi-polar person. Speaking of the negative and then the positive. But I guess that's my way of encouraging myself. And who knows, someone reading this might get encouraged too.

So, back to what i was saying. I guess what God is really trying to do now in my life is to teach me how to wait and be patient. Despite many elements that might bring me to impatience, He wants to provide me the strength to hold on to Him and to wait upon Him.

O Lord please help me.

2009-08-06T11:13:00.000-07:00

There are just some things in life that opens your eyes.

You are just unsure of what and who to trust.

Things become seemingly uncanny.

You become sensitive.

And you become less sensitive.

People become seemingly friendly.

People becoming seemingly less friendly.

No one is perfect. Neither am i.

What you expect is never what you get. What they expect is never what they get.

We're at quits.

We're not to say who is perfect and who is not.

We're not to judge.

There are just some things in life we will never comprehend.

But we know who to trust.

2009-07-31T10:32:00.000-07:00

New level, New devil.

New level, New Refinement.

I've tried to PUSH like what we have been doing. And then i realised how so many more things have come into my life, trying to push me over. I know what tricks the devil is up to again, poking fun at my insecurities, at my inefficiency, at .... almost all my weaknesses. And once again, issues begin to pile up. But this time I declare that i have had enough! My God is a God of victory. I am more than a conqueror in Christ, and i can do all things through Christ who has strengthened me.

I thought i had overcome the whole self-pity mode, depression, etc (people might be wondering why i am pouring out my life here). And i did! However, because of that, that brings me on to a whole new level of obstructions. More than i have ever seen before. What God expects is for me not to fall back into that previous level of self-pity and so on.

But coming to think of it, even though it may seem that the devil is poking at all my weaknesses, God seems to be telling me that He is using this period to mould and shape me. Like how he is shaping that diamond i am supposed to be. Throughout the week, i have been scolded, told off, and spoken to. Even God has revealed to me the different weaknesses i have. People may regard this as spiritual attack, and how the devil is using people to pull me down. I think otherwise. I believe with all of my heart that God is using all these incidents to push me to far greater heights.

I mean, we have always been speaking of how we want to move further in our spiritual lives. But the only way we can attain that is if we allow God to mould our characters to become better people.

What really matters is our attitude towards the refining of our characters. How can we even grow if we refuse to change our mindsets?

Pardon my horrible usage of language. Have been speaking too much singlish.

2009-07-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

Lord, it's a tough fight out there. I've been at top-notch before, but now i feel i'm back to that miry clay. How Lord. How can you use such a wretched like me? Half the time with so much things piled up upon me, and instead of giving you praise, i'm just wallowing in self-pity. I don't know what to do. Can you pick me up O Lord, can you lift me up once again?

Lord, you could have died for anyone but me, but why me? You could have chosen anyone else but me, so why me? If you chose me, then why am i still in this state? A state of lousiness. A state of wretchedness. How is it possible that you can use me O Lord?

Lord, in all my might, i can say that i've tried my best. I really did. And Lord, there are just so much things piling on me. Lord, can you take my burden. You said that your burden is lighter. Can i take that instead? Lord, rip off all my heartaches, all my stresses, all my condemnation. I can't take them by myself. It's too hard, too unexplainable. It's making me muddled, that i can't explain myself anymore.

I need divine help. I've just proven myself less than worthy of doing anything. Lord, are u able to prove otherwise? After all that sharing with my cell and stuff. I feel like i'm such a hypocrite, now sitting here, typing all these junk out. But Lord, that's cos' i feel stuck. I have no where else to go. Why did i have to tell the whole world that i felt condemned? I should have just left it there. Yes, and then with no output, i'd probably explode.

Why am i even typing it here. But i doubt anyone would see. They'd probably think this is a dead blog. So i'm guessing it's safe to type here. O Lord. I can't love as how others want me to love. I can't give as how others want me to give. I can't understand as how others want me to understand. I can't place others first as how others want me to place them first. I can't O Lord. It's totally against my power to do so. I'm human, you are God. I need your strength to do so. And even amidst that, i'm still not perfect. I can't follow up to people's expectations.

There are just so much things. So much bottled things that i have to let out. A smile most of the time is just a facade. What's really in a person could be more than just a smile. It's never as simple as this. Lord, how then. How am i going to face the world again.

All i know is that i'm nothing without you. If it weren't for you, i'd probably be slicing myself with a knife, or drinking my nights away, or smoking, or eating drugs, or doing every other thing. Without you, i might even be dead now. I'm glad i received salvation.

O Lord i'm just so confused now.

I don't know what to do.

I need your help.

2009-07-15T09:02:00.001-07:00

Doesn't understand.

Everything just seem like waves of dissolving acid, washing up my insides. I don't understand how everything just has to pile up together. When you're trying to get over one problem, the other pops up. And not long before, another turns up.

And no one can understand.

Because they cannot know.

2008-11-13T09:24:00.000-08:00

Even though its still exam period, i decided to just take a little break and edit some of my photos. Colours turned out really pretty! HAhaa! But no guts to post them on whatever forum for people to comment and critic yet. HAHA. So here goes:

(note that all editting was done with gimp)

Er... shall just upload these few first. Need to go sleep now.

2008-10-31T08:19:00.000-07:00

3 more days to A levels!
all in a blink of an eye.

It feels bizarre, somehow, that the 'excitement' hasn't kicked in to me. OH WELL.

2008-10-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

feeling insulted.

as though i m the baddie (again).
I mean what is this man?

2008-10-13T09:54:00.001-07:00

MJC farewell:

Naq kinda got pushed out of the photo:

and....

Picture of the day:

Song Leng's BUTT!!!

Had this last fri. Kinda miss the old school times, the retarded jokes, and the friends and company. Yes, the teachers too. HAHA. But i guess life doesn't just stop here, besides the ultimate mugging that all of us have to go through right now, we're all heading on to our different paths and destinations in life. I know that God has His plans, it's never too late ;)

Shall post Kim's baptism photos and lem's birthday photos up another day. A little taxing on the eyes and my patience while waiting for the photos to be uploaded. Have to study bio too, haven't done my mock paper. EEK.

2008-10-01T08:14:00.000-07:00

Hello! GUESS WHAT! I just got my NEW NEW NEW camera! hahaha! And although many people may look at me with that skeptical eye, i shall still post some photos. Not really good at photography yet (note the word 'yet'), but i'll get better at it after A levels. :D

Photos here are using 18-55mm standard kit lens with canon EOS 450d. No money to buy other lens yet. HAHA.

Don't expect any of them to be really really good due to my noobie skills. HAHA. More to come in the future! :D

Where would I be without you

2008-09-16T07:06:00.000-07:00

Was just looking at my qts from last year during october and november. It was only then that i realised how God has really been faithful to me. Every single qt that i did at that point had the spirit of despair and helplessness entangled with it. It seemed at that point i was just in a loss, unsure of what was happening, and at the same time badly wanting the best of both worlds. At that point I didnt know how to let go and how to cling on strongly to God and His words, and that led me to my deepest pits in my life.

Even though whatever i wrote previously seems silly when i read it now, it reveals to me how blinded i was when i wasn't close to God and walking in His ways. The more i think of it the more touched i feel as to how God really didn't let me go. Despite my disobedience, my unfaithfulness, my dirtiness, my hypocrisy. God still drew me back to Him from the wilderness. At that point i thought i was some holy moly person, but i never was. And in fact, i don't think i can be that holy-moly perfect person like how others think Christians should be. No one is perfect i admit, but we should work towards perfection as said in 2 Cor 13:11.

Regardless, i'm in full of gratitude towards my Lord and Saviour who time and time again rescues me from my pits. And now from where i am, i look back and see how i was previously, and i can truly claim that God is indeed faithful and good.

Indeed as the song goes, "where would I be with out you [Jesus]".

2008-09-09T09:11:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you just wonder why people do the things they do? And then you realise that, maybe they don't know the greater dangers of it? And everytime you feel like getting pissed and angry, and then again you figure out that it was none of your business mostly. But the thought lingers in your mind, questioning about whether you were going to give up on these other souls who were so close to reaching the goal.

2008-09-08T06:18:00.000-07:00

Haven't been blogging for awhile. Updates on life: did street evangelism on sat, it was really great experience and God really opened my eyes and allowed me to really see people in His perspective. It was as though i no longer saw them as just normal human beings walking around the streets, but each person we passed was felt like another soul that needed God. Although the response wasn't like what we expected, we know that God is still doing a great work amidst us, and we won't give up in believing for the greating things that God is going to do through us. :D

Anways here are some photos, kinda figured that my blog is getting boring with no additional colours and vibrancy. hahaha!

At teachers' day celebration:

And stuff at church:

Random photos i took:

And i vote this as picture of the day:

(JEREMY AGAIN!!!)

2008-08-04T08:47:00.000-07:00

Same power that conquered the grave lives in me.

2008-07-30T08:39:00.000-07:00

You know there are pits in your walk sometimes that you accidentally fall into? I think I tripped over a small rock and landed on my bum in the small pit. But I thank God that I didnt fall flat on my face, break my nose, or whatever. I'm am now slowly climbing this small hole, that somehow i didnt see coming. And once I get out of this pit, I will move the rock away so that the next person who walks pass here will see the pit before falling.

Climbing, climbing. Just to get back on my feet, wipe the dust off my bum, wipe the sweat, take a breath, dust my shirt and get out.

Even though climbing out may have been quite an easy process, the fall might have caused a little bruises. And the only way for bruises to heal is to apply more force and rub your finger against it. It's painful, but worth it. Face the bruise or the bruise never goes. Don't colour your bruise or try covering it up, because a small bump into anything would cause a monumentous amount of pain again from the bruise.

Rub and face the minute pain now, and also remembering how blessed you were that you only fell into a small hole that you were able to climb out with the help of Jesus. :D

Thank you Lord.

2008-07-25T08:03:00.000-07:00

Hello World! Haven't blogged for ages, hmm, somehow i feel that i'm always talking to myself while blogging. Mid years are over, and now time is racing towards the prelims, haven't even got time to catch a breath. Times are crazy, both spiritually, mentally, (not physically :p).

God has really opened my eyes to so many things recently, and indeed He is a faithful God. And He responses to the hungry and desperate.

One word for school: hectic. But i thank God so much for the efforts MJ teachers put in to their students, even if we may be quite tough nuts to crack.

I just can't wait to see the amazing and exciting things that can happen while God moves, and especially now when God's voice has been so much more clearer. I have also figured out that spiritual giftings really have to be driven by the love for God, and the love for people, aptly pointed out in 1 Corinthians 13.

God has confirmed with me time and time again, that i should go become an evangelist. Vague, but exciting. Slowly God has really been uncovering so much more things in my life, different seasons with different revelations.

What hits me real hard is the fact that there are SO many christians out there who have also been blinded spiritually. They know that there is a God, but they do not know that their lives are too mediocre for a Christian living. Promises such as from Mark 16:17 and Luke 10:19 have been hidden, not because God changed His mind (because He is the same in the past, present and the future), but because we as Christians have not been doing our part. God has promised, but we have not taken the promise.

Why is it that people only head to God when they feel troubled, or even before exams. Why is it that people only say 'thank you God' only when they receive something good. Shouldn't we be praising and thanking Him at all times? The book of Isaiah says that we should put a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness. That really smacks us hard about the importance of praise.

I'm not passing judgements or whatsoever, because at times i admit that i become one of those mediocre christians who refuse to step out of their comfort zones. I just feel extremely upset at how a life of victory can be manipulated into a life of dread, even when Jesus had already died on the cross for our sins thousands of years ago.

In revelations, it says that God will spit the lukewarm out of his mouth, and i'll always remember Mich's phrase: "the walking phlegm". Sick, but apt.

In fact, even the most spiritual person on earth should not be contented with what he or she has, because God can give MORE! He sees our hunger and desperation. Why do we want to give up when the rewards are far greater than any pain we go through. We have seen, but we want more.

It boils down to one thing, that having an extremely close relationship is critical to Christians who desire to be even more hungry and desperate. Because when we fix our eyes on God, we can do things like never before, we see miracles, we experience the move of God, and the most important thing, we hear our closest friend's voice which says : Well done, good and faithful servant. It is like how Peter walked on water when he focused on Jesus, and when he let fear overwhelm him, he began to sink. Remember that He who is with us is far greater than he who is in the world. God is far greater! His plans and purposes, who can thwart them? I know my God is a loving and faithful God, and that's why I want to spend more time with Him, and to do things with Him, and to do things for Him.

My God empowers me to do things i have never done before, and my God, can be YOUR God too. I am just so inspired by the promises that the Word has revealed to us, and i wait in anticipation for the move of the Holy Spirit. Do not let the doubt of others hinder you from getting your promise from God. Fix your eyes on Jesus.

Last but not least, when we finally understand how to step out of our comfort zones, we can impact more people, and allow them to pass on that empowerment and love of Christ. Sounds cliche, but is no doubt important. Many of us have been telling ourselves to step out, but we do not even want to make that effort to take that step. And that includes me.

Dear Lord Father, I pray that you will teach us how to step out of our comfort zones, to go out into the world and preach the good news. Because Lord i know that you love your creation and you sent your only beloved son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for EVERYONE and to redeem our sins. But Lord, i pray that you help us not to be lukewarm, mediocre christians anymore, because Lord we want to live in a life of victory, a life of your promises, a life of inheritance. I pray that you will stir up the hearts of mediocre or backsliden Christians all over the world, that they too may take up the cross and impact the world. Thank you Lord once again, for all the times you have been faithful. Thank you Lord for always being my friend even after all the bad things that i have done. Thank you Lord, for never forsaking me, even if i had forsaken you. Lord you are indeed awesome, no one's love can be compared to your love that you have for us. The love as deep as an ocean. Lord Jesus, thank you so much. I Love you so so so much. Each time when i 'm distracted, i pray you'll push my eyes back onto you. Each time i feel down, i pray that you will lift me up and hold me in your arms, and each time i fear, i pray that you will hold my hand and walk with me. Lord Jesus, you deserve all the highest praise and glory, because you are so so so worthy. Thank you Jesus.

In Jesus' name i pray,
Amen.

(ps. any typo error would be due to the lack of meticulous typing, and the lack of checking)

2008-06-01T05:47:00.000-07:00

It's really hard sometimes to fight the good fight, and run the good race. It requires lots of determination, perseverance, and even action. It is mind boggling, heart-racing, skin-tingling, stomach-pounding, brain-draining situation that ALL have to overcome.

But I believe that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" [Philipians 4:13]

Right now, I'm just feeling so drained, not by playing games or what nots. But by not knowing what i should do, how i should feel, and where i should go. Sometimes, i really just feel like shutting myself up somewhere and pour out pails of tears, that may or may not be necessary. But I guess everyone probably goes through the same thing, and it is definitely not through our own strength that we can overcome.

Dear Lord, what am i to do. I pray you'll strengthen me, go through this ordeal and grow from strength to strength and glory to glory. Help me O Lord to fix my eyes on ONLY you and nothing else. Help me to see again the meaning of the phrase "All i want is you". Lord, i feel just horrid and ........................., but I know that what's most important is the fact that you are glorified. And so Lord, I will still praise you name and worship you, for you are a good God and you have greater plans for my life. Thank you for not only being my comforter, but also my friend who would listen to my inner problems and share with me your thoughts. Thank you Lord for also being that Father who knows what's best for me, and showing me distinctly and aptly what i should and should not do. Lord, every single down hill in my life is like another ladder up the Christian walk i have with you, and I thank you for planning my life in such detail, making sure that everything that comes my way will serve as something i should learn from.

Help me O Lord to get back on my feet, and help me to really just fix my eyes on you. Lord even if i may be on the verge of tears, and where everything may sometimes seem haywired, i know that you are in control. And so Lord, i pray you will provide me the strength to fight the good fight and run the good race, because Lord Jesus, you deserve it all.

Thank you for being the lover of my soul.

2008-05-27T08:11:00.000-07:00

Just on some updates on my life, for those who have been wondering why i hardly update.

Stuff we did in school:

The transformed bacteria that Rebekah, Hakim and i had:

Song Leng, Derek and Shez's transformed bacteria. Crazy colonies!

Work of Jia Yu and Rach. -_- (plus Naq's shifty hands)

and smelly sleepy cat.

Our math attendence sheet:

Before

After

Fond memories of PW, our introduction page

(done by Cat and Faye)

And what we did in church:

2008-05-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

[Jude 3] "Dear friends, although I was very eager to write to you about the salvation we share, I felt I had to write and urge you to contend for the faith that was once for all entrusted to the saints."

Was reading Jude for QT last week or so, and came across this verse. It says "contend for the faith". And yes, the word contend, what does it REALLY mean?

Contend (from dictionary.com):
1) Maintain or assert
2) Struggle in opposition
3) Compete

And its really amazing, because contending for our faith didnt just have one meaning, but 3 and probably even more. It goes to show that faith did comprise of so much more than any of just this one aspects.

It was just the last week on sat when we had music practise and during our pre-practise worship/prayer, the word we got was stand firm for the faith that we have. Now, take a look back at the definitions of contend, "to maintain or assert". And yes, the worship service was just so awesome last week, God's presence really came to us, and there were many breakthroughs, healings, manifestations etc. Life-changing experiences.

The week following that was a tough time for many, there were many spiritual attacks, etc. I myself didn't get something really bad, but there was indeed a form of "attack". Work loads strangely got heavier, everyday was a sleeping at almost 3 experience, and almost every lesson was a sleeping period. Hard time doing QT because i would always end up sleeping while writing.

But thank God, even amidst all these, He gave me the strength to continue on. He still spoke to me during my QT, and even though i fell asleep halfway while writing myQT, God would remind me in the day about what i've learnt the previous night and gave me more insights to it. Here, note the definition for contend: "struggle in opposition".

All these are really part the faith we have in God, and even though things may seem hard, be encouraged that that's what faith is all about, and that many are going through the same thing.

The last definition is "to compete". And yes, having faith in God, the whole relationship with God, really speaks of us running in the race. We compete for the faith, we run with the belief and the faith that we will indeed reach the end reward.

[2 Timothy 4:7] "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith"
Wouldn't it be awesome if we could say that when we get to heaven? It's a beautiful declaration that we believers can make.

[Hebrews 12:1] "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and lets us run with the perseverance the race marked out for us."

Contending for the faith is just like running your cross-country race. It's tiring, difficult, breathless, mentally and emotionally challenging etc. I hate running, but i do so because of PE. It's compulsory for us students to run the 2.4 km, and in the same way, it is compulsory for us believers to run that race of faith. Every believer takes part in it, but it's just a matter of who perseveres in the running, and who stops many times to take a breather. It's tiring i know, but when we fix our eyes on Jesus, we have the strength to carry on. There may be hindrances along the way, and things that cause us to lose focus or make us fall, but what's most important is that we come back to the route and continue on.

Contending for the faith is a cycle of processes. The standing firm in God's word, the struggling against all principalities and opposition, and to continue running that race. All these come hand in hand, so be encouraged if things don't seem too good, because all these are just part and parcel of your spiritual walk with Jesus. The end is more worth it then any temporary breathers that we may take while we're tired. Hang on in there!!

Ps. May have been incoherent up there. Apologies for that.

2008-05-01T01:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterdays event really made me thought about life more, not about the meaning of life or anything, but the fragility of life. It can just be in the blink of an eye that one goes into the next dimension.

At first it made me think that it was really up to us to quickly go save everyone out there, to do as much as we can to do so just in case they don't make it. But what Pastor Mark said yesterday did strike something in my heart, that God knows the best for His children. If the passing on means something better, then let it be so.

But that doesnt mean that we as followers of Christ should slacken in our actions, or be less 'Christiany' or anything. I'm sure no one wants to go up to heaven and going in just for the sake of believing in Christ. I know the basis for our faith is not our good works or what we do, but the good works that we do is a kind of fruit that can be seen if we have the faith in Jesus Christ.

A few years back someone told me this analogy:

If someone gave you cup of coke, will you drink it? (Yes.)

But if someone gave you a cup of coke with just a little drop of urine in it, but continued to fill it up with more coke so as to 'mask' up the effect of the urine, will you still drink it? (No.)

This is reality of life, no one wants that little 'urine drop' in their drink, and neither does God. So He sent His only beloved son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for us to redeem us from our sin. He took our place as a sinner instead (reality check: we are all sinners, believe it or not), and He paid the full price as a sinner. But Jesus Christ, being the almighty one, rose from the dead, and overcame death and went back to heaven to be seated at the right hand throne of God. Through this, He washed us as clean as snow and gave us a way back to God (since He overcame death).

Why isn't it that we can't go to heaven even with overflowing of good deeds?

Romans 6:23 says that "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Jesus our Lord."

Hence, no good deed can ever 'mask' up the sin that we have done (unless you want that 'urine drop' in your coke). Only Jesus Christ can clean your cup of coke and give you that cup that is full of pure coke.

Therefore, the only way to God and eventually to heaven and eternal life is through Jesus Christ. Believing in Him and accepting that He is your saviour shows that you acknowledge that He has washed your sin away.

Okay, i think i've sidetracked quite a bit. So anyways, yesterday before attending the wake, i had a marvellous and extraordinary time talking to God. And since i was all alone at home, i had the liberty to talk as loud as i could to God. And God being His faithful self, has giving me new Rhema words of truth.

Even though sometimes it's hard to 'feel' God, which i admit i do have that slight problem over that, praying to God and talking to Him allows you to strengthen your faith in Him. God is our friend, He is our bestest bestest friend. The only way that we can be closer to God, and have that closer relationship is indeed to talk to Him as though He is really there and is your closest friend.

Sometimes when we sing songs of praise and worship, many of us don't usually understand the full meaning of what it's meant by words such as 'all i need is you' or 'beautiful saviour' etc. But when you undergo certain situations, and you begin to start singing songs to God, you'll think of how the song relates to your life, and slowly, the full meaning will come to you. To say to God "all i need is you", is something really extraordinary. I mean we need food and water to survive (and all sorts of other excuses), but to say all we need is God, is to really put your whole entire life into His hands and to tell Him that He is in control. Yesterday God led me to this verse:

[Matthew 6] 25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
it really speaks of how our life is in His hands. So take heart at this, and don't worry about what's to come. Because our God is a God who loves us and knows what's best for us. He is in control and He loves us so much.

God is indeed awesome and He deserves all the praise!!!

Love you Jesus!

2008-04-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

[1 Cor 13:11-12]
"When i was a child, i talked like a child, i thought like a child, i reasoned like a child. When i became a man, i put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now i know i part; then i shall know fully, even as i am fully known."

When i was in the toilet (place where i do my daily reflections, eccentric i know), God impressed on my heart this verse. And then i realised that it is as though this part of the bible came real in my life. I have indeed seen things in a slightly more mature way, and have decided to put my childish ways behind me. God is good, He never fails to teach me in all sorts of ways. I have finally overcome what i have been tied down by for many years. :D

Praise God for His faithfulness.

2008-04-20T03:33:00.000-07:00

O Lord i need you in my life. I have been easily pissed recently over simple matters. I pray you help me control my temper, or even at least my pissed thoughts.

Lord i pray that you'll speak to me each and everyday, whether i am tired or not. I know sometimes it seems that i'm too tired to even spend time with you. But Lord, i do, and you know it. And i know that it's also my fault for not trying to spend time with you earlier, so i pray that you'll forgive me O Lord for my unenthusiasm.

But Lord, i'm trying my best, and i will always continue to fight my way to perfection so that i may please you. Please help me.

In Jesus Name I pray,
Amen.

2008-04-11T10:12:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, it's just so hard to be liked. Don't you agree?

It's hard to please everyone. But why is it that many others can?

There's something wrong right?

It's not just from the outside, but also the ones from within. And it was another place that i called home.
Maybe i'm just thinking too much. Perhaps just having slight mood swings.

It's hard to be strong. It's hard to put on a tough front.
Or is it just the mere fact of being unappreciative?

2008-04-04T09:16:00.000-07:00

We had cell on wednesday and we celebrated the wonderful Rachel's birthday, so here are some photos. Haha.

2008-04-04T08:43:00.001-07:00

I hate it when we as christians bring down the name of God through our double-standard lives.

I feel that it's not fair to tell others that you are a follower of Christ and yet act otherwise.]

And i feel that sometimes i to admit that i'm guilty of it, and now that i do realise my disgusting mistakes.
I just don't understand how people can just not take God seriously, as though He doesn't exist. He's too real to be unreal, He's too good to be bad.

I hate it when out of the same spring comes out salt water and pretense clear water.

But who am i to judge?

O Lord, i pray that you help me to calm down, and to see that plank in my own eye before seeing that spec in another's eye.
I pray that you will convict whoever is out there who is using your name in vain, and who is being a hypocrite.
I pray that you will take away that anger within me when i see those who act as hypocrites and allow me to see the weaknesses within myself as well, and i pray that you will use me in anyway for the furtherance of your kingdom and for the glory of your name.

Lord you are very powerful, and i know that you are capable enough to restore your own name. Lord, so use me, and teach me how to trust and have faith in you. Help me to recognise your power and your almightiness, to understand that all things are possible with you.

Lord teach me how to love the unlovables, even though i may get greatly annoyed with many easily, i pray that you help me to change my heart and give me more compassion so as to bring glory to your name. Lord, i have been feeling easily pissed nowadays and i know its bad, and that makes me distant myself from the people i get pissed with. I pray that you help me, change my mindset and my heart, that i will still love them, and show them the love as how Jesus would have done when He was still on Earth.

Thank you Lord Jesus, indeed you deserve all the highest praise.
You are indeed almighty and powerful, you are my King, and My Lord.

Thank you for your grace and mercy, and to have died on the cross 2000 years ago so that my sins can be washed away, allowing me to have that close relationship with God the Father.

Thank you Lord, for everything that you have done. You have made me whole, and you forever will. I LOVE YOU JESUS.

In Jesus' name i pray
Amen.

2008-03-21T21:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it just feels too hard to keep up to the covenant i made with God, but time and time again God just remains faithful and reminds me about His goodness. Sometimes i admit i do question myself about the surrender of myself to God, but yet God still drops things along my way to remind me of the relationship i have with Him.

That day, i was quite upset about how tough keeping a covenant was, not to say that i fell for anyone or whatsoever. But its just that the act of total surrender especially in this aspect of life is indeed tough for me. I cried out to God during my quiet time, literally. I asked God to help me, to help me be focused on Him.

And PRAISE GOD, the next day i got a chance to speak one of my seniors and i realised that we were in the same boat. Then i knew that i wasn't alone, and that nothing is too tough for me to handle. I felt more encouraged to continue on. And not only that, my sister happened to watch the Passion of Christ on the internet, and when i took a glance at it, it played the part where Jesus was at the garden of Getsemethe (if that's how u spell it). The show did elaborate quite a bit, but indeed when Jesus was praying, the devil was sure to have tempted him away, to have placed discouragement and questions in Jesus' s heart. Then it was then when i was reminded of how the devil, from afar, would keep discouraging me, distracting me, and even making me question about the covenant i had with God. But in the show, it showed that Jesus ignored the devil's comments and placed His eyes on God, and yes that reminds me too that i should instead of dwelling in whatever thoughts i had, to fix my eyes on God and the wonderful things that are going to happen through Him.

Then i walked over to my parent's room, and during that time, Star movies was showing the book of esther. Quite unbelievable, but yes, it was just there. And the part i saw was that Esther, regardless of how scared she could have felt, persisted in seeking refuge for her people. The part of her perseverance and faith in God really spoke to me. It showed me how, regardless of the toughness covenants were and even reaching out to the lost was, that i should persevere and have faith in God. Galations 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up".

After watching the show, i went ahead with reading the book of Esther. And it spoke of how Esther had to go through beauty treatments before she was fit for the King. And in the same way, i believe that God is sending me to have "beauty treatments", to refine my character and behaviour, and even fine-tune the relationship i have with Him, so that in due time, i would be a woman of God. It was then, when i realised that God was really helping me with my covenant. I am indeed so grateful for it, for who am i to deserve all these grace and mercy that God has shown me.

Even during the Good Friday service, it spurred me on to live for Jesus even more because of what He had done for me. It was through the service that i felt Jesus's presence in my heart and surroundings increase and suddenly made more realistic. My love for Jesus has also increased so much that every single day i just want to make sure that He's there beside me. And i really thank God for the state that i'm in now, and for His gift of the Holy spirit in which He reminds me to speak to God everywhere i go.

God is just so wonderful. And i'm so glad that each day, i get to talk to Him, just like how i would talk to a best friend.

Lord, i really really thank you so much for the love you've shown me. Each and everyday has become more and more exciting. Without you, i am nothing. And Lord, i just pray that you'll be so close to me as well, that one day i'll be able to hear you say that i am your best friend. Lord i just LOVE you SOOOO much, and for all the things that you have done for me. Thank you so much dear Lord.

In Jesus' name i pray,
Amen.

Ps. Pardon the grammatical errors (if any) above. Wrote this quickly as there were too many things to write and i was too excited. :D

2008-03-19T10:05:00.000-07:00

Control, guard and keep a look out. It's not long when with my Lord Jesus. :D And i don't regret it, yep i don't.

2008-02-24T04:31:00.000-08:00

Pictures of soiree below. Faye came back to visit us at MJ for soiree. Soiree was quite boring, somehow. Don't really appreciate rock music i guess, and some were just too out of tune and screamish. Jeremy and the band was good nonetheless, and yes, applauds for them. They played Kryptonite, and it sounded great. Will blog more, need to study DNA and Genomics first.

2008-02-24T04:26:00.000-08:00

2008-02-24T04:25:00.000-08:00

2008-02-24T04:23:00.000-08:00

2008-02-24T04:18:00.000-08:00

2008-02-24T04:16:00.000-08:00

2008-02-08T08:21:00.000-08:00

Chinese New Year. Visited Grandparents' house. Did the usual stuff, so nothing special happened. However we did interact more with our aunts this year, and Aunt Doreen came back to visit us too (she wasn't here last year). A year's past and yep, its really quick. Argh, what i really did regret was not sharing the gospel with my aunts and grandparents. Although Grandma is supposedly saved, she still shows symptoms of being supersticious.

Okay so whatever the case, here are some photos. My family just loves the camera.

Aunts, mom and grandma. The generations.

With Dad.

With Mom.

2008-02-08T08:15:00.000-08:00

I have half a mickey's ear.

2008-02-08T08:12:00.000-08:00

Family photo at grandparents' house.

Aunt's really pretty jacket.

2008-02-08T08:01:00.000-08:00

Here at Chinese New Year School celebration, which was rather boring.
The pictures have to sadly be in parts again. Haha. And yes, here are the wonderfuls.

2008-02-08T07:44:00.000-08:00

Class with huimin and atiqah. MISS THEM TOOOOO!!

Cat's famous pose

2008-02-08T07:27:00.000-08:00

My wonderful girls!! Love them to bits.

Met up with Mel and Faye at parkway after the celebration. Miss them so much. And horrible Mel wouldn't tell us what time she's leaving. Spent a little quality time with them then.

2008-02-08T07:08:00.000-08:00

2008-02-08T07:04:00.000-08:00

Jay was mean and spoilt our photo.

Megan's modelling class.

2008-02-08T07:01:00.000-08:00

College Road Race 08
(sorry but the posts have to be in parts because picasa is being stubborn)

Part of my class, 07S305

The damsels.

The wonderfuls.

The contrasts. :p

2008-02-03T04:32:00.000-08:00

After all that serious studying, and being consistent in my homework, and even all the stress, i realised that it doesnt help me to score. Instead, all i have been getting are careless mistakes, blocked minds, and more and more stress.

Then i ask myself why is this happening. I thought that by praying and lifting up my work and studies to God would do the trick. But then it struck me, that all i had been doing was just using God as an excuse, a cover-up. I hadn't fully 'lifted' up my homework to Him, neither have i been fully surrendering my studies to him.

During service today when Pastor Eduador shared, it reminded me of how i should really put God first. That includes doing my quiet time first even though i may be very tired and still have to complete loads of work. He shared about Moses and how God called him up to the mountain top, to stay there and to listen out for His voice. And even though it took 6 days for God to respond to Moses, Moses still waited faithfully. Moses not only waited for God to speak, he also waited for God to finish whatever He wanted to say, and then only did God give Moses what he needed, the tablet.

It was only then when i felt embarrassed of myself, and how i boasted of my spirituality. It wasn't anywhere good, especially in terms of having a close walk with Jesus. It contradicted my desires of wanting to be close to Jesus and yes, now it slams me right in the face that i need to do more.

Thank you Lord for answering my prayers. Now i know that being close to you not only requires a talk, but an action. An action of seriously putting you first, and trusting the rest to you. Just like in Matther 6:33, "But seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added onto you as well", i pray that you help me to put that into action.

Thank you Lord for your kindness and grace. Teach me your ways so that you may be pleased with me. I LOVE YOU JESUS!!! :D

In Jesus' name i pray
Amen.

2008-01-28T08:57:00.000-08:00

For the sake of those who have been commenting on my slowness to update, i have finally decided to post something.

The past few days have been very different, a very different lifestyle, different perspectives and different ways of treating people, of course in the positive way. I did, however, get turned off by some actions of others and was almost to the extend of raising my voice. But thank God He kept me cool, and all i did was just walk out of where i was to take a breather. Even as i try my best to love the unlovable, the irritant feeling comes back. But yeah, taking it slow and easy.

I don't know but it may even be to the point of despising. But no, that's not what the Lord wants me to do.

O Lord, forgive me, give me your love and compassion for the unlovable, for you sent your only beloved son Jesus Christ not just to die for me only, but also for them.

When i sit down and just ponder, will i then realise how bad situations are. How people are backsliding, and causing others to backslide as well. I just don't know what to feel. I don't want to be angry, and yet, i'm angry at the fact that they would give up God just because God, to them, doesn't 'feel' real, or seem real. Or whatever reasons that may come up.

But then when i read Jude yesterday,verse 22 (the shortest of the verses in Jude) said: "Be merciful to those who doubt." Only then it struck me, that those who doubted, were similar to those who were lost. The lost, like how i was before, needed mercy, grace, and love from God, and God gave them all. What more can we say as Christians who walk daily with God? What reason do i have to be angry when God is not angry?

It was then that i made a new resolution of loving people at a bigger extend, despite their doubtfulness, their sinfulness, their disrespect towards the King of Kings. Because i knew that i was once like them.

What truly is on my heart now, is to hear God say that i'm His friend. It's just so amazing to have someone so Great and mighty to be your personal, close and best friend, whom you can confide in, talk to, joke with, trust in etc. God is just such a great friend. And it struck me even more during Sunday service when Pastor Mark shared about the close relationship Abraham had with God. It was then that i truly realised the meaning of a close relationship/walk with God. If that would be the case, i would be able to hear the very heartbeat of the ALMIGHTY God.

Yes, so that's my BIGGEST desire now.

Isn't it amazing, even after the amount of sins, and disappointments i have brought onto God, that He still lifts me up, speaks to me, comforts me, and brings me back to Him again? God you're just so lovely, and beautiful. Nothing i could ever say to describe your wonder.

Teach me, O Lord, to show mercy, grace and love.
Teach me not to depend on my moods, and instead to depend solely on your joy to run this race.

2008-01-14T06:53:00.000-08:00

Revelation 2:1-7

To the church in Ephesus 1"To the angel of the church in Ephesus write:

These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands: 2I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. 4Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. 5Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. 6But you have this in your favor: You hate the practices of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate. 7He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.

God reminding me not to forget the first love i had for Him, to rekindle that first love, that passion and that desire to see His name being lifted high. The passion for Jesus, so much so that it becomes a passion to tell others about Jesus Christ.

And yes, not forgetting the services spent at Heidi Baker's conference. It really changed my focus once again, smacked me right in the face with four words: 'Love God, Love your neighbours'. Although this was the theme mainly focused during this conference, there were other things that God spoke to my heart as well. Things such as faith and courage to take that bold step of faith to do the works of God, trusting and leaning upon His Holy Spirit.

During Altar Call and saturday night, i was quite shocked and thought i had spasms at first, but quite on the contrary. One of the leaders came to pray for me, and she kept asking God to 'fill me' with His love, with His courage so on and so forth. And just then i suddenly felt some thing run down my spine, like a jolt, and down to my tailbone, which then made me jerk upwards suddenly. I was like 'woah!'. And i knew this was not any normal occurance, i knew God was there, I knew He wanted to touch me so much, and I knew He had answered my prayers.

There was this other occurance on sunday night. I remembered asking God to be able to discern in terms of how others feel and to be able to see past the people's masks. Then during Heidi Baker's worship session, while she prayed for us to have our spiritual eyes to be opened, my eyes were closed shut and i was concentrating on God. I tried very hard to open them, but i COULD NOT. I'm serious, my eyes were just shut, and I heard that still voice in my head saying that God was working on my eyes, my perspectives, God was not done yet and that He was healing my spiritual eyes. I could not open them at all. It was only til after the worship session when I was able to effortlessly open them once again. It may seem unbelievable, but HEY, God is a God who makes ALL things possible.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank you for those instances where i could see your hand doing your works for us, your people. I pray that you continue to instill more of your love into our hearts so that we, in turn, may go out to bless the people in our nation. Lord use me. And Lord, i pray that you bring me back to the first love i had for you. Bring me back to the passions i once had for you, because Lord you deserve ALL THINGS, ALL PRAISES, ALL GLORY, and ALL HONOUR. Lord teach me to be fully dependent on your Holy Spirit, and i cry out desperately for my spiritual ears to be open so that i may hear so clearly from you O Lord.

Thank you O Lord, for your grace and mercy over my life. And Lord i pray you forgive those who say mean things about you. And even still, teach us how to make that stand, to protect your glorious name from being blasphemed. Sorry Lord for the times we have failed not to do so, but Lord from now on, give us the courage and the strength to make that stand for you.

All these in your name i pray,
Amen.

2008-01-10T01:27:00.000-08:00

2008-01-10T01:23:00.000-08:00

2008-01-10T01:20:00.000-08:00

2008-01-10T01:18:00.000-08:00

2008-01-10T01:16:00.000-08:00

2008-01-10T01:14:00.000-08:00

2008-01-10T01:12:00.000-08:00

2008-01-10T01:09:00.000-08:00

2008-01-06T09:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Lord, i just want to thank you for all the grace and mercy you have shown to me even amidst my unfaithfulness. Lord Father, indeed you have taught me so many things.

During orientation, it thought me about leadership once again. It is as though i was stripped off my leadership so that i could learn new ones. God really just wants me to step out in boldness, to lead, to make the decisions and not always be the one who follows along.

God i pray you help me be more decisive.

Amidst the whole orientation, i found out that i was rather indecisive, having the inability to make good decisions for myself. I would either not make any decisions, or end up being fickle and keep changing them. God has showed these to me so that i can improve myself again.

Lord i thank you for showing me the truth, and i know that the plans you have for me are to prosper me.

Also, i've learnt the true meaning of judgementalism. Always we say it is not to judge. But that's too vague, no one applies it to their lives with just this simple definition. And so, God opened my eyes and showed me that judging also meant me putting a 'right' or a 'wrong' to people's reactions towards the situations only they are facing. Personally i felt that it was alright to do so, but during this orientation, the Lord showed me that i myself was pulling that person down only in my own perspectives, and even dragging others along with me when i go comment about it to others. Apologies for improper language, but heck, i'm sleepy.

And yes. Choices choices. To make the right ones.

Lord all i need is just to hear your voice so much clearly. To guide and lead me in my every day life. I lift up my life into your hands, use me.

In Jesus' name i pray,
Amen.

2007-12-31T05:42:00.000-08:00

I've got a new favourite show: Who's line is it anyway.

Hilarious.

Hmmm. And so school is reopening in 2 days time. Well not exactly 2 days now, 1 day, 2 hours and 15 min to be more precise. Our OGL groups were cut down to 6, and our triton 7 got reshuffled. Ridiculous. And my foot muscle is somewhat sprained while sprawling all over the soapy banners used for the ramp slide during the midnight cleaning sessions on saturday.

Let's do some analysing. Homework left:

1) Math Maclaurin's tutorial
2) Math Revision package - the entire thing except for graphing
3) Chemistry Revision package - the entire thing except for the 1st question
4) LITERATURE (and i haven gotten pride and prejudice yet. talk about characted analysing)

Well, Praise the Lord i'm done with BIO. One less thing to worry about.

Had cell gathering at Megan's house yesterday, and almost everyone 'attacked' poor Alfredo. He did seem like the cutest thing on earth, but no affection goes to naughty babies. Although he did seem quite well-behaved without crying. Alfredo kept throwing whatever he had in his hand onto the floor. Vaness's phone almost died.

Shall upload photos on Christmas and cell gathering soon. New Year s eve and New Year itself will be spent mostly with family, and homework. Entertaining. But comforting at the fact that there are less than 2 days to enjoy lazing around.

And not forgetting my wonderful goals for 2008!!! Will update soon about them. And yes that includes my covenant til 20 years old. Speak to my boss up above if anyone has problems with that.

Toodles.