Was just blog surfing, reading about people and their lives. How can people have so much fun, so much more experience in life, so much more opportunities to things? The only reason for me not to be the same is that i spend most of my time serving God. Then i thought about it, what would my life be like if i had not known God.

I know this post sounds super spiritual. But honestly thinking, i would really have been somewhere else, my life direction would have changed, the way i am now wouldn't be the way i would have been, my character would have been different, my moods would have been crazy. And yet all that just for the fun of life?

I figured that all these were not worth it. Honestly, i am often envious of people having wonderful relationships, having so much time to spend with each other etc. I always ask God why doesn't He allow me to get into one yet. But each time i question, the song comes into my mind:

When I am alone,

When I am alone,

When I am alone,

Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,

Give me Jesus,

You can have all these world,

just give me Jesus.

And i thought, Jesus is SO worth giving up everything, He's so worth every single part of my life. I mean, if Jesus wasn't worth it, why would anyone make such a song like that? And if Jesus wasn't worth it, why would the people cling on so tightly to Him? He's too worthy that I'd rather give up the world than to give Jesus up.

What tugs at my heart now is so much of worldly things. Everytime I turn away from it, it'll come back at me from a different direction. It's so hard, and each time i cry out to God and ask for help. More often, i question about His plans for me. I know i'm just being impatient, and i guess that's why I hardly hear answers from God. I can just imagine God shaking His head in His fatherly way, and telling me to calm down and wait.

Argh. I hate to wait. But then God says those who wait on Him shall renew their strength. Is that why things have been slightly tiring nowadays? Is it because i have not waited on Him for quite some time? I need to wait. I need to be patient.

I guess the heart deceives. It desires over the wrong things at the wrong time, even when God says wait first. O Lord help me to wait and not awaken the wrong desires at the wrong time. It just seems so hard. And situations that occur, occur all the time, just in different forms. It's like temptation island wherever i go. O Lord help me. And the worst thing is that what you can only offer is not your viewpoint or opinion or angered lashing of speech, but just a subtle smile saying that all is well. But i guess God has great things for me in my life, and His plans are definitely to prosper me and not harm me. And that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I mean, there are just so many things that need more attention other than my selfish desires of the heart. The salvation of my grandpa. The salvation of my friends. The salvation of my sickly teacher. There are just so many things that should hold priority in my heart. Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added onto you.

I know i sound like some schizophrenic or bi-polar person. Speaking of the negative and then the positive. But I guess that's my way of encouraging myself. And who knows, someone reading this might get encouraged too.

So, back to what i was saying. I guess what God is really trying to do now in my life is to teach me how to wait and be patient. Despite many elements that might bring me to impatience, He wants to provide me the strength to hold on to Him and to wait upon Him.

O Lord please help me.