Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

When i first heard about the history of this song, i was moved to tears. John newton. Slave driver became a slave rescuer. Then i thought about my life, and how God has picked me up from a wretched state and brought me to where i was. Indeed i was once lost, to the world. That includes the time when i was already found but still chose to be lost. And despite all that, God still found me. He would never let me go. I was once blind to the same issue, but after the million-eth time God rescued me, I finally see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

His grace taught my heart to fear and with his grace my fears too were relieved. He exchanged my fears of the darkness into the fear of the Lord which would bring about wisdom. Because His grace is sufficient for me, and when I admit that His grace is sufficient, His power is made perfect in my weakness. Because we choose to humble ourselves and take up the cross, because we choose to say that God is all we need, and because we choose to say that we are nothing, God's power is made perfect, and He uses us, the nobodies to do great and mighty things. How precious it is that grace appeared the hour i first believed.

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

How many times i've failed in many areas. How many times i repeat the same mistakes. How many times i choose to get trapped in the same areas. But the Lord rescues me. My chains are gone. He sets me free. Because my Lord Jesus died for me, I am free and redeemed. His mercy is never ending, His love is always coming. Isn't He amazing?

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The Lord has promised good to me, He says in His word that all things work together for the good of those who love Him. He says in His word that His ways are higher than our ways. His word is where i find refuge, where my heart seeks hope from, where i can know that there is someone who understands and someone who loves me for who i am. Knowing that there is someone who is filled with so much grace and mercy that no one else can give. and knowing that my Lord and my God who is all those, is still my very own best friend. He will be my shield, that i will not be afraid of the pestilence at night, nor will any weapon form against me prosper. He shall be my portion.

I know after all that writing of previous posts, people may think that i'm bipolar or something. But no one can understand. Even the closest ones among you whom you feel can understand makes you feel that they can't. My heart is filled with angst. Because of disappointments, and because of how for months i've been in that same place. I thought i was out. And just when i'm going to take my step out, i fall back in. And this time, new things are there to pester. All i can say is that i'm disappointed at how people may see it the wrong way. It makes me feel like backing away from people.

But Lord, i know i have no right to be angry. For i have not been who you wanted me to be. Who am I to be angry with others when I have not been who you wanted me to be. O Lord, i'm just feeling so trapped. I wish I could just pour everything out here, but I can't. People are watching. Then why am i still writing it here? I don't know! Argh Lord, people make me feel frightened suddenly. Lord please help me to overcome the emotional side of me. Not to be indifferent, but to be an overcomer: despite having bad emotions, that i'll choose to say that i'll serve and love your people, whoever they may be and whatever they may think or say about me and to me.

Lord for so long i have been so affected by what people think about me. And Lord, i'm sick and tired of it. Like what we learnt today in MLM, it has really been a hindrance. Simple things such as choosing worship songs for cell group, I'll change the songs immediately when i hear a comment that makes me feel insecure about it. Lord, and many times i know that i change the songs even though i know that you want me to lead those songs.

and again, i don't know why i am writing all these here. shouldn't i be writing all these in like a book or something else? Maybe this method is easier, don't need to go through the hassle of saving, or writing etc.

The Lord has promised good to me. Lord help me trust that you would. Because of who you are. Not because of what I am, but because of your loving character and your faithfulness. Help me trust that whatever happens now is a trial that would bring me up to a new level. Like how you tested Job and how he understood that when he is being tested, he shall come forth as gold. How much more worth is that then compared to the rock that has not been refined?

I know typing all these may seem weird, showing people how vulnerable i am. But i don't care. I don't care how people are going to think of me after this, and what they are going to say. I shall not entertain it. All i know is that God has spoken to me, God has reaffirmed me and God has (in such a weird way) encouraged me and reminded me of how good He is through the writing of this post.

My chains are gone, i have indeed been set free.

Help me not to feel angry. Help me to love people even more. Not because I want them to think highly of me. But because you first loved me. Lord take away that annoyance and irritation in my heart and exchange it with your love that surpasses any conditions, that i may love unconditionally. Because you first loved me unconditionally.

Lord, it's never about me, it's about you.

It's never about them, it's about you. And because it's about you, it's about them.

Whoever reads this, please do not ask me what happened or talk to me about it at all. Not to even say a word about it. I wish to keep all the emotions and everything that i felt right here in this post and at this time, that when i go to sleep and wake up the next day, i would be alright. Please do not comment or post anything here either. Thank you so much for your co-operation. I would really appreciate it.