New level, New devil.

New level, New Refinement.

I've tried to PUSH like what we have been doing. And then i realised how so many more things have come into my life, trying to push me over. I know what tricks the devil is up to again, poking fun at my insecurities, at my inefficiency, at .... almost all my weaknesses. And once again, issues begin to pile up. But this time I declare that i have had enough! My God is a God of victory. I am more than a conqueror in Christ, and i can do all things through Christ who has strengthened me.

I thought i had overcome the whole self-pity mode, depression, etc (people might be wondering why i am pouring out my life here). And i did! However, because of that, that brings me on to a whole new level of obstructions. More than i have ever seen before. What God expects is for me not to fall back into that previous level of self-pity and so on.

But coming to think of it, even though it may seem that the devil is poking at all my weaknesses, God seems to be telling me that He is using this period to mould and shape me. Like how he is shaping that diamond i am supposed to be. Throughout the week, i have been scolded, told off, and spoken to. Even God has revealed to me the different weaknesses i have. People may regard this as spiritual attack, and how the devil is using people to pull me down. I think otherwise. I believe with all of my heart that God is using all these incidents to push me to far greater heights.

I mean, we have always been speaking of how we want to move further in our spiritual lives. But the only way we can attain that is if we allow God to mould our characters to become better people.

What really matters is our attitude towards the refining of our characters. How can we even grow if we refuse to change our mindsets?

Pardon my horrible usage of language. Have been speaking too much singlish.

Lord, it's a tough fight out there. I've been at top-notch before, but now i feel i'm back to that miry clay. How Lord. How can you use such a wretched like me? Half the time with so much things piled up upon me, and instead of giving you praise, i'm just wallowing in self-pity. I don't know what to do. Can you pick me up O Lord, can you lift me up once again?

Lord, you could have died for anyone but me, but why me? You could have chosen anyone else but me, so why me? If you chose me, then why am i still in this state? A state of lousiness. A state of wretchedness. How is it possible that you can use me O Lord?

Lord, in all my might, i can say that i've tried my best. I really did. And Lord, there are just so much things piling on me. Lord, can you take my burden. You said that your burden is lighter. Can i take that instead? Lord, rip off all my heartaches, all my stresses, all my condemnation. I can't take them by myself. It's too hard, too unexplainable. It's making me muddled, that i can't explain myself anymore.

I need divine help. I've just proven myself less than worthy of doing anything. Lord, are u able to prove otherwise? After all that sharing with my cell and stuff. I feel like i'm such a hypocrite, now sitting here, typing all these junk out. But Lord, that's cos' i feel stuck. I have no where else to go. Why did i have to tell the whole world that i felt condemned? I should have just left it there. Yes, and then with no output, i'd probably explode.

Why am i even typing it here. But i doubt anyone would see. They'd probably think this is a dead blog. So i'm guessing it's safe to type here. O Lord. I can't love as how others want me to love. I can't give as how others want me to give. I can't understand as how others want me to understand. I can't place others first as how others want me to place them first. I can't O Lord. It's totally against my power to do so. I'm human, you are God. I need your strength to do so. And even amidst that, i'm still not perfect. I can't follow up to people's expectations.

There are just so much things. So much bottled things that i have to let out. A smile most of the time is just a facade. What's really in a person could be more than just a smile. It's never as simple as this. Lord, how then. How am i going to face the world again.

All i know is that i'm nothing without you. If it weren't for you, i'd probably be slicing myself with a knife, or drinking my nights away, or smoking, or eating drugs, or doing every other thing. Without you, i might even be dead now. I'm glad i received salvation.

O Lord i'm just so confused now.

I don't know what to do.

I need your help.

Doesn't understand.

Everything just seem like waves of dissolving acid, washing up my insides. I don't understand how everything just has to pile up together. When you're trying to get over one problem, the other pops up. And not long before, another turns up.

And no one can understand.

Because they cannot know.