Even amidst all that battle and waging of war, I'm glad to have been an impact to someone's life :)

When you ask God to use you as a vessel, He will use you, whether you know it or not.

Found this:

[Luke 24:13 - 26]

¹³Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven milesfrom Jerusalem. ¹⁴They were talking with each other about everything that had happened. ¹⁵As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; ¹⁶but they were kept from recognizing him.

¹⁷He asked them, "What are you discussing together as you walk along?"

They stood still, their faces downcast. ¹⁸One of them, named Cleopas, asked him, "Are you only a visitor to Jerusalem and do not know the things that have happened there in these days?"

¹⁹"What things?" he asked.

"About Jesus of Nazareth," they replied. "He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people. ²⁰The chief priests and our rulers handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified him; ²¹but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place. ²²In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning ²³but didn't find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive. ²⁴Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but him they did not see."

²⁵He said to them, "How foolish you are, and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken! ²⁶Did not the Christ^{b]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[b]} have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?" ²⁷And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself."

The men who were walking to the village met with Jesus, but they were too caught up with what had just happened, they were depressed and upset, and all they could think about was the crucifixion of Christ. For such a long time, they did not realise that their Saviour was with them.

Sometimes we're like that too. Many a time we are so uptight with our problems, our situations. It might not just be something that happened in the physical, but maybe spiritually we may feel so down and we keep asking God why. But just as we are too blinded by the things around us, we forget that God is still holding on to us, that the Holy Spirit is still living in us and that Jesus is walking with us. I mean, the Lord our God being right there and we didn't know!

The amazing thing about the verse above is that despite the men being kept from seeing who Jesus was, Jesus revealed to them rhema words from scriptures and even explained to them the scriptures from the time of Moses. I mean how cool is that?? To have our very own Jesus to speak to us personally and explaining all those confusing parts of the scriptures!!

I guess sometimes in our own walk with Christ, in times like this when we're blinded, God opens our ears to His Word and scriptures. We may forget that He is there with us, but He is still graceful enough to speak to us so that through His word, He may pick us up.

I guess maybe there are times in our lives that we think God isn't there for us, and that we may feel overwhelmed by our problems, that all we can think of is what had happened and why it happened and just dwell in it. But because God, being faithful and loving, reveals to us many truths during this period of trial and temptation, helping us up from the pits. And when we finally look back to that situation again,we can truly see that God was with us.

Probably just an encouragement to those who feel like they can't seem to find God in their situations. I mean, i know that many of us can say that we do believe that He is there. But even in times where we feel so dry and jaded, God will still reveal to us new truths! If we actually bother to listen.

I mean, if the two men didn't stop and listen to Jesus, they wouldn't have known so much truth from the scriptures. Maybe what we need is that resting place? That place where we come before God just to listen to Him and His voice.

Okay, i think my post is all over the place. Very incoherent. And filled with grammatical errors.

But i think that God really has a great sense of humour -

"Are you only a visitor to Jerusalem and do not know the things that have happened there in these days?"

¹⁹"What things?" he (Jesus) asked". haha. I dunno, but i found this quite amusing. I mean the two men were so upset and Jesus just played along for that moment and said "what things?". It's quite cool huh. Our very own God having a great sense of humour and fun :D And after He listened to whatever the two men had to say, He finally shared with them about the scriptures.

Wow, i guess its just like us too huh? For all the times that we whine and complain or get depressed and cry to God, He first asks (maybe for eg) "What happened?", and after we finished like our entire speech, He speaks His heart to us. ahhh, the more i type the more i'm in love with God. I mean, He listens first to us, for us to let our whatever we need, before He gives us constructive advice and pulls us up into His arms. I guess after we finish our whining, it's our turn to listen. I mean what's the use of just complaining and not wanting to do anything about it?? And the worst part is that the advice that God is going to give is something that cannot be found anywhere else! and yet many a times we just walk away from the conversation.

I'm glad God showed me this today.

Thank you Lord Jesus. I just love you so so so so much!

When you decide to take a new step forward, things happen. Really. When you say that you want to serve God even more and bring His light wherever you go, things happen. And while things happen as a consequence of your actions, things also happen to prevent you from your actions.

And thus a horrible lab session yesterday :p with an addition of a few shouting at for no apparent reason. :D

But James 1:1 says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

and i know this verse has appeared in my blog numerous times :D but the Word of God really never returns void no matter how many times you see it. :D

Seriously, not interested :)

have always been thinking, what would Jesus do if he met up with this same situation?

God is a God who proves His point. Like really well.

It all started when I wanted something so badly. I did things my way, thinking that it was God helping me. But now i'm back to square one. With nothing to hold on to. Knowing that only God's way is the best.

And thank God for putting joy in lives whenever there is a lack of it.

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

When i first heard about the history of this song, i was moved to tears. John newton. Slave driver became a slave rescuer. Then i thought about my life, and how God has picked me up from a wretched state and brought me to where i was. Indeed i was once lost, to the world. That includes the time when i was already found but still chose to be lost. And despite all that, God still found me. He would never let me go. I was once blind to the same issue, but after the million-eth time God rescued me, I finally see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

His grace taught my heart to fear and with his grace my fears too were relieved. He exchanged my fears of the darkness into the fear of the Lord which would bring about wisdom. Because His grace is sufficient for me, and when I admit that His grace is sufficient, His power is made perfect in my weakness. Because we choose to humble ourselves and take up the cross, because we choose to say that God is all we need, and because we choose to say that we are nothing, God's power is made perfect, and He uses us, the nobodies to do great and mighty things. How precious it is that grace appeared the hour i first believed.

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

How many times i've failed in many areas. How many times i repeat the same mistakes. How many times i choose to get trapped in the same areas. But the Lord rescues me. My chains are gone. He sets me free. Because my Lord Jesus died for me, I am free and redeemed. His mercy is never ending, His love is always coming. Isn't He amazing?

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The Lord has promised good to me, He says in His word that all things work together for the good of those who love Him. He says in His word that His ways are higher than our ways. His word is where i find refuge, where my heart seeks hope from, where i can know that there is someone who understands and someone who loves me for who i am. Knowing that there is someone who is filled with so much grace and mercy that no one else can give. and knowing that my Lord and my God who is all those, is still my very own best friend. He will be my shield, that i will not be afraid of the pestilence at night, nor will any weapon form against me prosper. He shall be my portion.

I know after all that writing of previous posts, people may think that i'm bipolar or something. But no one can understand. Even the closest ones among you whom you feel can understand makes you feel that they can't. My heart is filled with angst. Because of disappointments, and because of how for months i've been in that same place. I thought i was out. And just when i'm going to take my step out, i fall back in. And this time, new things are there to pester. All i can say is that i'm disappointed at how people may see it the wrong way. It makes me feel like backing away from people.

But Lord, i know i have no right to be angry. For i have not been who you wanted me to be. Who am I to be angry with others when I have not been who you wanted me to be. O Lord, i'm just feeling so trapped. I wish I could just pour everything out here, but I can't. People are watching. Then why am i still writing it here? I don't know! Argh Lord, people make me feel frightened suddenly. Lord please help me to overcome the emotional side of me. Not to be indifferent, but to be an overcomer: despite having bad emotions, that i'll choose to say that i'll serve and love your people, whoever they may be and whatever they may think or say about me and to me.

Lord for so long i have been so affected by what people think about me. And Lord, i'm sick and tired of it. Like what we learnt today in MLM, it has really been a hindrance. Simple things such as choosing worship songs for cell group, I'll change the songs immediately when i hear a comment that makes me feel insecure about it. Lord, and many times i know that i change the songs even though i know that you want me to lead those songs.

and again, i don't know why i am writing all these here. shouldn't i be writing all these in like a book or something else? Maybe this method is easier, don't need to go through the hassle of saving, or writing etc.

The Lord has promised good to me. Lord help me trust that you would. Because of who you are. Not because of what I am, but because of your loving character and your faithfulness. Help me trust that whatever happens now is a trial that would bring me up to a new level. Like how you tested Job and how he understood that when he is being tested, he shall come forth as gold. How much more worth is that then compared to the rock that has not been refined?

I know typing all these may seem weird, showing people how vulnerable i am. But i don't care. I don't care how people are going to think of me after this, and what they are going to say. I shall not entertain it. All i know is that God has spoken to me, God has reaffirmed me and God has (in such a weird way) encouraged me and reminded me of how good He is through the writing of this post.

My chains are gone, i have indeed been set free.

Help me not to feel angry. Help me to love people even more. Not because I want them to think highly of me. But because you first loved me. Lord take away that annoyance and irritation in my heart and exchange it with your love that surpasses any conditions, that i may love unconditionally. Because you first loved me unconditionally.

Lord, it's never about me, it's about you.

It's never about them, it's about you. And because it's about you, it's about them.

Whoever reads this, please do not ask me what happened or talk to me about it at all. Not to even say a word about it. I wish to keep all the emotions and everything that i felt right here in this post and at this time, that when i go to sleep and wake up the next day, i would be alright. Please do not comment or post anything here either. Thank you so much for your co-operation. I would really appreciate it.

Movements are obliged. Argh. needing to squeeze through that little hole that is left due to the overcrowding. need to breathe. need to put thoughts that no one would see nor judge.

Please don't get the wrong idea. :)

Feeling trapped.

What? So quick?

Have been talking so much about everything that i wasn't cautious that i might have not been saying nice things about people again. I kept thinking that i was being amidst such menace and such mess amongst people, as though i was some high up person. But i was wronged.

There's that little voice that tells me why have i become like this. I feel that sorrow within me, the sorrow that tells me how much these people too need love. I realised how selfish and self-centered i've been the whole time. How i've only considered how i was feeling, and not how these people, despite being in their own world, are feeling lost. And who else except us to show them love? Who else except us to treat them as people and not walking trees? Who else?

Lord i pray you'll forgive me. I haven't been who you wanted me to be. I haven't been nice to the people you wanted me to impact. I haven't been talking nicely about them. And i know that everytime i say whatsoever, your tear sheds for them. Lord, you have placed me in their lives for a reason. I pray that that purpose will continue to remain in me and motivate me. That it'll be something driven by you, to save the lost. O Lord, cleanse my mouth. How can both salt and spring water come out from the same place! Lord, i choose to speak words of edification and purity, rather than word that pull people down and words that gossip. Lord help me.

Teach me how to love your people unconditionally.

You know, when they say people carry the presence of God, i was quite uncertain about it. I thought that what it meant to carry the presence, was to have people manifest around you when you walk past them, or flowers growing on every single step you take, or people being healed from their sickness instantly etc.

It was only after I entered uni that i realised. To carry the presence of God wasnt just all that dramatic events that would happen, but the fact that we become people who are attractive. Not attractive in the wrong sense, but attracting people from everywhere, because they feel that we have that something that makes them want to be around us.

I have personally met these few people. And even me being a Christian, was being attracted to these people as well! It wasn't because they were bubbly or had outgoing characters, but they had the unexplainable presence of God that was with them wherever they went. It made me think, do i attract people in that sense too?

Now i finally understand the meaning of being the salt and light of the world. It isn't just being good testimonies, or being loving and all, because everyone else can do that when they force themselves to do so. It is about God's unexplainable and yet tangible presence being with us, that emerges us so much so that we overflow with His love and His joy and His strength that we can pour out to the people around us as well. And that's how they always want to come.

When our hearts are right with God, seeing the things He sees, and loving people as He loves, we will begin to notice how we turn into that salt and the light that this world needs.

*Ps. I lost all my links and all my tagboards and all :( How do i retrieve them back!!

God is truly amazing. Despite all our unfaithfulness, He still shows and reveals Himself to us. He's someone that i would never dare to let go off. And someone who would too never let me go, because of love. And where else can u find a love, a love that sacrificed to the extent of a life. indeed like what Aiken shared with us just now, that what we feel is truly unexplainable, and that it should remain like that. Not attributing any of what belongs to God to the works of man or machines.

Thank you God for still using me, and never letting me go.