After so much had happened, i started thinking. For the past few weeks, i had been wishing that things had never happened, that the pain would just go away. Or that i could just go back in time. But then again, another thought came in, if all these didn't happen, so much wouldn't have been learnt! If all these didn't happen, i would still have been in the same state i had been before that.

And through this, i saw how God was truly my guide, my teacher, and my Father. That despite how upset i was, He showed me little miracles to cheer me up. Like holding the rain back til i got home, despite me throwing tantrums at Him wanting to walk the long route home. And that despite how much i hated to be disciplined, He did so, so that i would grow and learn even more.

I still remember how my prayers always had that phrase "Lord, please teach me...", and i guess asking for that would mean that i should have been prepared. Because God does teach and discipline. Just like how a Father disciplines his son out of love.

And honestly, i don't think i've fully recovered from everything. Especially emotionally. But what Ps Michael preached during camp, about the Spirit and the Soul, i guess i should apply it here. About how we should anchor our walk with Christ in the Spirit, and not the Soul. Hence, emotions wouldn't matter anymore.

God taught me how to confront myself and my emotions. To be honest to both myself and the people around me. To approach matters realistically, and with the help of "wise counsellors", instead of just doing things on my own. No longer do i hide in the "i am fine" mode, but yes, confronting the "i am not fine" mode, with the other thought that says "but with God, i can walk through this dark valley".

God is just so good. It is only natural to whine, complain, throw tantrums and keep asking why everything was just so messed up. But God taught me how to see things in the bigger picture, to see how He had plans for me through these situations, and through the mistakes i made. Everything was already planned. And it was necessary for me to go through these "trials" so that He could teach me His ways and reveal to me His rhema word.

And i don't care what people are going to say now, how much rumours have been spread. Because there are things that we need to move on with. And i choose to move on.

I'm just so excited about how God's going to use me. So excited to see that great miraculous things He is going to do. So excited for the life ahead with that closer relationship with God.

We were talking about mission trips over dinner just now, and it really stirred up that excitement and anticipation in my heart. To be able to work towards the dreams that God had for me. Ahh! I 'm so excited! I can't wait to bless the people! I can't wait to use photography as a tool to bring people to God! I can't wait to just take photos of the people there, of the culture, of the things that God is going to do!!

And strange enough, just as i was typing this: No more boring Singapore.

A thought came into my mind, that God is a God of creativity. He designed boring Earth into a planet that contains life! And He designed them so intricately that it goes all the way down to atoms and molecules and electrons etc! How awesome is that. So how can Singapore be boring! I guess i just need to ask God for His creativity. And Singapore wouldn't have to be portrayed as a boring place! I mean if God has placed me here first, i should be faithful in this, and not complain about where i want to be and stuff. I guess God wants me to prepare for the time ahead. And i haven't been doing so, because i kept having this preconceived thought that i would only take photos of people overseas etc, like the people at Kawah Ijen.

And yes, i definitely need to have a lot more preparation before next year's missions trip. Probably more practise with the people around, the environment, and probably also borrowing books, going for courses, getting help from more proffessional photographers. :D I'm so excited!

O God please keep my enthusiasm there. I may not be excited over the months, but keep my enthusiasm and passion and faithfulness there.

God is truly an awesome God. :D His mercies are new every morning.

"and as for me and my household, we shall serve the Lord"

God is truly amazing. The way He answers your prayers. The way He shows you that He had been listening. The way He reveals and illuminates truth to us.

Camp was just amazing. God taught me how selfish i had been, and how it was never about me but about people. It doesn't matter anymore about how i feel, because i am placed here to impact the lives around me. God is capable enough to meet my needs and He knows what to do for me, so on my part, i need to shift my focus from myself to others.

Simple things like treating people rightly, and being sensitive enough to know how they feel.

I know that i have my flaws, but i'll try my best.

It's not about me anymore, but about others.

And the only way that this can happen, is when God's love overflows from my insides. And i thank God that during this camp, He filled with with an overflowing amount of love. A love that far surpasses anything else. I would give nothing in exchange! It is just priceless.

O Lord, i just love you so much! You're so awesome and amazing. And it's crazy when we just think about how much u love us.

I'm sorry, but it isn't right.

My God has something better in store for me.

And i'd want the best rather than just the good.

Thank God for an eye-opener.

O Lord. What do u want to teach me now.

Everything's so muddy.

Everyone else makes it sound so easy.

I need you Jesus.

Honestly, don't know what to do, or how to feel anymore.

I just need Jesus to show me the way. To take me away from this.

Why is it so hard.

Psalm 51: 17 " The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise"

It's so hard to stay away. Every minute, every second, every moment.

The more you distant yourself, the more you feel upset because you see the distance.

And your mind begins to play tricks on you.

Like seriously, a lot of tricks.

but whatever it is, it's worth it. It's pointless to hold on to something that's not as worth it.

Philippians 3:8 "Yes, furthermore, i count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish, in order that i may win Christ."

Yes, God is so worth it. I'm not psycho-ing myself or whatsoever. But it's the truth. He's so worth it.

Just need to get over with this. Stop thinking. Stop thinking.

Don't know how its going to work.

Don't know how its going to end.

Don't know what to do about it.

Don't know anything..

need divine help. need a sign.

Argh.. so much stuff going on.

Lord. all i want is just to fix my eyes on you, and your will for me.

Just needing you more than ever.

All i need is you.

The Lord has promised good to me

His word my hope secures

He will my shield and portion be

as long as life endures

My chains are gone

I've been set free

My God, my Savior has ransomed me

And like a flood His mercy rains

Unending love,

Amazing grace

Sometimes, trials come to you over and over again, not because you're weak, but because God is strong. He wants you to overcome the areas in life. He wants to show you how perfect is His strength amidst your weakness. He wants to demonstrate how you CAN overcome with Christ.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me ~ Philippians 4:13

God has never intended you to be an average person, His perfect will for you is to be more than a conqueror. Isn't God just amazing? We need to hang on, keep hanging on. No matter what comes in the way, we will hang on. No matter what giants come, we shall be that stone wall that stands firm. We shall be unshakeable.

In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us ~ Romans 8:37

God is just awesome, when you fix your eyes on Him, and do what He wants you to do, He equips you.

With God's grace i have finally out how to play Chopin's Fantasie impromptu in C sharp minor. The horrid 16 beats on the right hand and triplets on the left. But God finally opened my eyes to help me know how to fit these beats together. FINALLY!!!! Wooohoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Help me..

it's the same trap over and over again.

i cant take it....................... i dont want to go thru it.

just want to run away and hide.

but i cant................

i cant.......

its so messy...

everything's so messy...

my mind's in a mess..

my heart's in a mess..

why....

i thought the trial was over...

i thought i had succeeded..

but it wasnt about the situation..

it was about the inside.